It's raining Elk
by Humbuggie
© 2003-12-16

Written for VS11's Winter Challenge 

Dedicated to Vickie Moseley, just because!

Rated R for a few curses, nothing major

Type: Comedy

Story: It's raining elk, and icemen, and lord knows 
what else. 



"Mulder, please don't tell me you bought that 
lavender fragrance *again*!" 

Mulder stopped whistling, looked up from the thick 
book sitting on his lap and stared in surprise at 
Scully, who had not spoken a word for the past half 
hour while concentrating on the snowy road ahead. She 
actually had her tongue sticking between her teeth 
while she focused on the road, ready to slaughter 
Mulder for having her drive.

Of all the few times he had ever asked her to drive, 
why did he have to go and pick today? She wanted to 
be the one relaxing instead of straining her back and 
entire being trying to mind the road. It wasn't bad 
enough that they were strangers in a strange land. 
No. It had to go and snow elk and deer. And her 
partner -god forbid she would actually finish him 
off before the end of the day -constantly whistled 
while reading 'Ghosts and everything else you wanted 
to know about this planet but never dared to ask', a 
thick book he'd picked up at a second-hand store. 

When handing her the keys earlier, he had said, "They 
say that smaller drivers can't hurt themselves so 
much when they bump into things. The airbag is 
exactly at the right height." 

She had stuck out her tongue and muttered something 
along the lines of, "And larger drivers will get 
their things cut off if they stop acting like self-
centered jerks." 

Not that she could be angry with him. Not even when 
he started humming with the softly playing radio, 
"It's raining Elk. Hallelujah, it's raining Elk, 
Amen." 

"Men, Mulder."

"Huh?"

"It's raining men." 

"Not in my universe it's not." Then he went back to 
his book, reading as if she wasn't slipping on the 
icy roads driving only two miles per hour, while the 
wipers worked overtime. 

"Hey," he finally said, looking up from his book. 
"We're near Winona, right?"

"I sure hope so. If we arrive in Vegas, we're in deep 
shit."

"Coolness. I just read a story about the terrible 
iceman they found right here." 

"Are you looking in the mirror again?" she asked, 
lifting her nose for the scent of lavender he'd 
splashed on so carelessly this morning. How could any 
adult man wear lavender fragrance? Didn't he have any 
pride? 

"Funny, Scully. Now keep on paddling so we won't 
drown in this snow." 

"Whatever," she muttered, slipping almost off the 
peddles as she cautiously followed the road that lead 
to the airport. Not that they would actually be able 
to take off once there. Not while it - was .. 
.raining elk.

"Why does it rain elk?" she asked after another 
fifteen minutes of silence, all apart from the music 
still blaring from the radio. 

"Pardon?" 

"Why not women? Or dogs? Why elk?"

"I don't know. I like elk."

"To eat or to watch?"

"Both."

"You've eaten elk?!"  

"Of course I did."

"When?"

"In college."

"You are totally mad. Elk pull Santa's sleigh, 
they're not for eating."

"What about those cute little bunnies you love to 
devour? They're there to hop around and wiggle their 
little fluffy tails, aren't they?"

"I like rabbits."

"Rabbit with prunes. Delicious."

"So how do you eat elk?"

"You barbecue it."

"Yum." 

"It's actually quite tasty."

"Oh puke, Mulder." 

"Do you really think that Santa would mind that I'm 
eating his helpers? Oh Christmas is long passed, 
we're nearly upon the New Year, Scully. I'm sure he 
doesn't need them anymore." 

"You Brutus! Oh and by the way, elk don't pull the 
sleigh. Those are reindeer."  

"So you've got moose, reindeer and elk. Do you know 
the difference?" 

"I studied biology." 

"I studied humans. Real beasts!" Mulder shrugged, 
clapped the book shut and was about to say he was 
going to take a nap, when the car slipped in a curve, 
veered sharply to the right and slid off the road as 
if it had a mind of its own. 

"Watch out!" he heard himself shout, feeling himself 
flung forward, slamming into the dashboard as the car 
tripped over to the right, coming to an abrupt 
standstill against a bird's feeding house on a pole. 
The little house wobbled and dropped on top of the 
vehicle's hood.  

"Feck it." 

Scully couldn't help but laugh, relieved when she 
heard her partner mutter a curse even before she 
could look over to check if he was hurt. His way too 
loose seatbelt had not protected him. Neither had the 
airbag that didn't deploy like it should have done. 

"I gather you're okay?" she asked. 

"Yep. Stupid car."

"It's a rental." 

"Who cares? That airbag should have exploded and 
minded my poor head," Mulder groaned, rubbing the 
sore spot where his skull bumped into the dashboard. 
He kicked the dashboard hard. And the bag inflated, 
popping out of its compartment, smothering Mulder.

"Crap!" 

Scully roared with laughter, despite the precarious 
situation they were in. Well, the problems weren't 
that bad. They weren't that far away from 
civilization and her cell would probably still work. 
They'd get help in a flash. 

Both agents crawled out of the car, Mulder still 
rubbing his forehead painfully. "Now what?"

Scully fished out her cell phone. "Now we rely on the 
powers of modern civilization and find someone to tow 
the car." 

"Erm, Scully."

"What?"

"Would you mind running after that thing there 
first?"

"What thing?"

Mulder had already started to run in the direction of 
a figure about ten feet away from them, covered in 
snow, almost unable to see it. "That thing!" he 
shouted against the wind, already starting to run as 
fast as his feet could carry him. Not that he was so 
fast. It was pretty slow, really, with his shoes 
sinking into inches of thick snow up to his knees. 

"Mulder, are you crazy?" she shouted after him. 

"Come on! Get those little feet moving!" 

"Little feet my ass." Scully started running after 
him, not even seeing the shadow that he so clearly 
saw. Her shoes were not made for this type of 
weather. They hadn't really planned on working, 
anyhow. She sighed tiredly after a few yards, not 
able to see Mulder or the shadow anymore, just her 
partner's trail. 

"Mulder!" she shouted as loud as she could, but no 
reply came. She just heard a yell, or something like 
that. Like an animal's cry. And then a yelp and 
another shout.

"Mulder!" 

"S - Aw--!" 

"What?" 

"S -t -a -y   a -w -" And then the world sank 
away from under her feet and she felt her body fall 
through a loose patch of snow and ice, at least four 
meters down. There, she landed on her ass, right next 
to Mulder who looked at her with a painfully goofy 
grin. 

"I told you to stay away," he muttered. 

"Right on cue." Scully crawled up, patting the snow 
off her body. "Are you okay?" 

"Yeah." He was on his feet beside her, with a bump on 
his forehead that slowly grew the size of a goose's 
egg. "I lost him though."

"Will you stay here for two seconds and tell me what 
the hell we were chasing?"

"I got a good look at him, Scully. He was butt ugly! 
Tall, hairy, and with enough moustache to play Sam 
the Seal." 

"Tom Selleck?"

"Nooooo! It was him, Scully. Or it. Or whatever you 
call it. The terrible iceman. I have a picture of it 
in my book. I'm certain that it was him." 

"You mean the bump on your head is telling you that." 

"Don't be daft. I know what I saw."

"It could have been Pippo the clown for all I care. I 
want to go back to the car and be done with it, not 
to mention get warm again. I should call for help and 
-guess what? -my cell doesn't work here. It's too 
far off the road."

Mulder suddenly roared with laughter. 

"What?"

"I'll bet you ten to one that we won't find the car 
again."

Scully groaned. "I swear that one day I'll kill you, 
Fox Mulder."

"Oh, I love it when you call me Fox. But don't do it 
too often." 

"So what then?" 

"Well, you lead the way. They say that women are 
better navigators."

"Even the ones with little legs and feet?"

"The brain is still just as large, Scully." 

"Start walking, mister. Or I'll show you what a large 
brain can do." 

"Promises, promises." 

Scully hated it when her partner was right. Well, not 
really or she would have been hating him for 
eternity. But anyhow, they didn't find the road. Or 
the car. Nothing. No mobile connection, no way out of 
this predicament. It wasn't even a nice trip to the 
forest. Nope. It was also freezing.

"There's a cabin." Mulder raised his hands to the sky 
and exclaimed, "We're saved! 
Hallelujah!" 

Scully laughed despite their situation and tried her 
cell phone once again. Nothing. Well, perhaps whoever 
lived in there would be able to help them. And he 
would probably have a phone. 

Smoke came out of the single chimney to the right. 
Through the curtains they could see one of the 
largest home cinema installations money could buy. 
Relief surged through her. If they had 
a monster TV, they had to have phone or Internet too. 

Mulder knocked hard on the door. Inside the sound 
remained loud. He knocked again. "Anyone home?" he 
shouted. The noise continued unabated.

Mulder shrugged and opened the door to a single-room 
home that held a bed in the back, and the huge TV and 
one large couch at the front.  There was a small 
kitchenette to the right, and a fireplace that 
distributed the only warmth inside. 

"Hello?" Mulder shouted as loudly as he could, 
walking towards the couch where a man sat. 
Only when he came close enough to see the man's 
features, would the owner of the house look up. Then 
he stood up.

Scully held her giggles barely inside as she watched 
the skinniest man she'd ever seen, clad in 
large pyjamas and T-shirt that'd seen better days, 
large Brown Bear socks, huge slippers and 
a Santa's cloak and hat. 

"What?" he grumbled, still holding the remote to his 
huge TV. 

"Sorry to bother you sir, but we got lost," Mulder 
said, also trying to hold his laughter. He refused to 
look at Scully, knowing that one glance would set 
them off. "Would you mind if we borrowed your phone 
and get someone to tow our car?"

"The nearest road is two miles down." 

"Yes sir, we know. We kept on walking in the wrong 
direction. Obviously, very wrong. Erm -you wouldn't 
have happened to have seen a strange person hanging 
around here, would you?" 

Now Scully sniffled. She couldn't hold it in any 
longer. The only weird person was the Santa-suit clad 
householder. Or make that cottage. 

"Are you laughing at me?" Santa-freak moved forward, 
looking suspiciously at Scully who quickly shook her 
head. "No sir, we're not. We just want to borrow your 
phone."

"Have no phone."

"You don't have a phone?"

"Look around you. Do you see anything that even 
remotely resembles a cable?" 

"But you have this TV-set and -"

"Do you think I own cable? No! Wanna know why? 
Because the cable men are too freaking lazy to get 
here and hook me up. So I had to buy this TV and DVD 
and I spend my entire freaking life watching movies 
I've seen a thousand times." The skinny man ploughed 
back into his chair. 

"Can you at least tell us then where we have to be? 
How to get back?"

"Go in that direction." The man pointed with his hand 
unseeingly straight into Mulder's abdomen, hitting 
the agent in the process. "Get out." 

"And a Merry Christmas to you too," Scully muttered 
indignantly. 

"Christmas is for losers." 

"So it seems." 

"Come on, Scully." Mulder grasped his exasperated 
partner by the arm and forced her to walk outside 
with him. 

"Mulder, are you going to let that bastard get away 
with it?" 

"What is he getting away with Scully? It's obvious we 
stumbled into the geek of the century. 
We can sell him a Lone Gunmen subscription and he 
would fit in perfectly. No, this is no use. 
We'll go into the direction of my belly button and be 
done with it."

She roared in laughter, touching his belly. "That is 
a cute belly button, you know." 

"If we find another cottage like this, sans Santa-
freak, you can check it out. How's that?"

"Anything to keep warm, right? It's our duty to 
protect ourselves." She was blowing on her freezing 
digits now, trying to find some warmth.

"Thatagirl. Come on." 

Scully knew she shouldn't let anything or anyone get 
to her, and she knew they weren't that far away from 
civilization, but she felt her courage slither down 
into her too-light shoes. Her toes were freezing and 
so was her heart. 

They tried to follow their own trail back to the 
road, only to figure out they were walking around in 
circles for an hour, when they reached their own 
trail again. By then, the snow had covered most of 
it.

"If the Blair Witch pops up, I swear I'll kill her," 
Scully grumbled angrily. 

"Kick ass Scully. Just the girl I like. Look, we're 
back at the cottage."

"Okay, that does it." Scully stomped forward, one big 
fury of anger and rage, stopping only at the cabin's 
front porch. Then she just walked inside, not even 
ridding her shoes of the snow. 

The man was watching Die Hard With a Vengeance. 
Bullets flew around, sending all the large boxes into 
a spur of noise. She walked forward, grasped the 
remote from his hands and switched off the TV. 

Santa-Freak looked up wearily. "Back again?" 

"What the hell kind of game are you playing? Do you 
want us to die out there?"

"Nobody ever dies in here." 

"Easy for you to say with your stupid slippers and 
warm socks. I'm cold, freezing and very hungry. Now 
you can either feed or clothe us, or we will come 
back from the dead and haunt your skinny little ass 
down for eternity. How's that?" 

He muttered and looked at her coolly. "I'll help you, 
if you can get those freaking cable guys over and get 
me phone too."

"Alright." Scully fished her badge out of her jacket. 
"I'm FBI. They'll listen." The man's eyes widened.

"They'd better when she's in that mood," Mulder 
groaned, feeling the onset of a huge hunger-induced 
headache. He sank on one of the few chairs near the 
kitchen area and looked hungrily at the pots that 
stood on the stove. But they were empty. 

"Obviously you have electricity," Scully said, "and 
you need to eat. So get us some food." 

"The electricity men weren't that difficult. I bribed 
them. But I hate the cable guys," the skinny man 
grumbled while moving into the kitchen and fishing 
out a take-out dinner that he popped into the tiny 
microwave oven. 

"Perhaps if you were a bit nicer to the cable people, 
they would actually do something for you," Scully 
retorted, sitting on the couch where she removed her 
wet shoes and socks and started rubbing her toes. 
"Come here, Mulder. You need to get rid of those wet 
clothes."

"Hey, I don't have a spare bedroom here. Don't you 
dare go nekked with your man and -"

"Don't worry," Scully replied curtly. "We just want 
to warm up, have some food and be on our way. And it 
would go much easier if you would show us the way to 
the road."

He shrugged. "How should I know?"

"You live here, don't you?"

"Oh yeah. And I have three freezers stuffed with 
takeout dinners like the one you're about to have, to 
survive all winter. I never go out before spring. I 
like it here on my own."

"Oh lovely," Scully muttered, taking in a tired 
Mulder who sat rubbing his feet. "Well, food first 
and then we'll decide." 

Mulder put their shoes and socks in front of the 
fireplace, removed his jacket and sweater to warm up 
there too, and sat at the table sharing one meal with 
his partner while Santa-freak watched them eat 
suspiciously. 

Outside, the snow kept on falling, and the onset of 
nightfall started. Scully knew they had to stay the 
night, and frankly, she was almost happy about it. In 
the morning they could rethink their actions and 
decide what to do. She stretched her back and walked 
over to Santa-freak just as he flipped his TV-set 
back on. Bruce Willis jumped behind a car. And 
bullets ran over 
Broadway. Lovely. 

"We're staying here," she said firmly. "Give us a 
blanket and we'll sleep in front of the fireplace." 

Santa-freak didn't even reply.

Both agents sighed. 


Mulder twisted and turned, trying to find a way for 
his sore body to sleep properly on the ground. He had 
insisted that Scully would take the couch, not 
wanting her to get up bruised in the morning. Easier 
said than done though. He would have killed to be a 
woman right now and be able to get the better part of 
two choices. Ah well. 

Not to mention the fact that his stomach was roaring 
like the thunderstorm that raged outside. 
No, far worse than that. Who in the hell provided 
only one miniscule frozen dinner for two people? Did 
their host have no compassion at all? Hell, he 
munched down two pizzas all by himself in good time. 

He sighed and sat up, ignoring the hungry sensation 
that raged through him. He would kill for that elk 
steak, or deer, or whatever. He couldn't last out 
anymore. This guy *had* to have something to munch on 
in his kitchen. He couldn't be *that* weird. 

Mulder gently walked over to the cupboards, hit his 
big toe twice and bit down on his fist to hide his 
scream while opening closet after closet. Nothing! 
Nothing at all! How freaking cheap could you get! 

He sighed. 

Wait a minute. Hadn't he talked about freezers 
stacked full with food? They had to be around here 
somewhere. But where? Mulder moved back to his coat 
and removed his pocket flashlight. He would find 
them, and then he would eat dinner, even if he had to 
eat it frozen! 

He grunted as he put his cold shoes over his bare 
feet, pulled his sweater over him and left the cabin. 
Outside, in the snow that had finally stopped falling 
and under a clear full moon, he could see just a few 
inches away. He walked around the house. No little 
cottage next to it. Oh but wait, a door. That had to 
lead to somewhere.

Indeed, it lead to the basement. Mulder opened it, 
looked at the steep staircase that lead down to an 
area underneath the house and shone his light inside. 
There were at least four freezers. Ah, Now that was 
more like it. 

He nearly laughed in pure joy as he opened the first 
freezer and found it stuffed with pizzas and 
hamburgers. So freaky Santa loved junk food, hey? The 
second freezer held more decent meals. The third -

Wait a minute. 

Mulder shone his flashlight inside. Those weren't 
meals. What the hell was that? That seemed like a -

"God damnit. A body!" Mulder muttered it out loud. 
"Oh feck it." 

The agent held his breath. So Freaky Santa was also a 
killer. Oh god, just what they needed. 
He shone the light further inside, trying to take a 
look at the man lying as good as naked inside. He had 
seen that face before, he knew. 

Wasn't that -?

And then he saw an arm move forward, coming out of 
the darkness, and a hand seized the agent by the 
throat, pulling him almost inside the freezer. 

"F -e -c -k  it!" Mulder yelped, forcing his 
digits between the strong, icy cold hand and his 
throat. 

Suddenly he was loose. The flashlight fell. Mulder 
didn't wait for the creepy crawler to get out of the 
freezer but fled outside, tripping over the steep 
steps as he made his way upstairs, back to the 
cottage.

"Scully!!!!!!!!!!!!" He yelled so loud that she 
nearly fell off the couch. From behind the curtain 
where the bed stood, Freakman also groaned loudly in 
response. 

Mulder slammed the door shut.

"Mulder, what is it?" 

"Outside," he heaved, out of breath. "Outside, 
downstairs, the basement, oh man -" 

"What? Mulder, what is it?"

"He's here! The horrible iceman is here!" 

"Mulder, you're dreaming -"

"I swear he was there! Downstairs in one of the 
freezers." 

"Willy would find it very hurtful if you called him 
horrible," Freaky Santa inserted calmly, walking 
closer to them. "In fact, I think he would be very 
much offended."

"Willy?!" the agents chorused together.

"Yeah, Willy. My good buddy Willy." 

Freaky Santa walked over to the door and opened it. 

"Are you crazy?" Mulder yelled. "He's going to kill 
us!" 

"Nah. Willy wouldn't hurt a fly. Would you, Will?" 

Scully had to swallow a lump in her throat as a man 
clad only in what seemed to be boxer shorts walked 
into the room. He saw pale blue skin tone and unkempt 
thick hair running all over his body, including his 
face. He leaned  forward a bit and had very heavy 
arms and legs that he barely seemed to be able to 
drag forward. He was like a human orang-utan. 

"Now do you believe me?" Mulder hissed in his 
partner's ear. "Sceptic!" 

Freaky Santa patted the stranger on his back. "Willy 
doesn't harm a fly, do you Will? He's very innocent, 
really, but unfortunately I have to keep him near the 
woods so that he doesn't go off and get caught by -
let's say, FBI-agents." 

Freakman switched on the lights so that the agents 
could take a good look at the blue-tinted hulk who 
seemed very calm, very quiet and very innocent when 
he bared his big buckteeth, flashing in the light. 

"Give the nice people a hand, Willy." 

The orang-utan-human moved forward and slapped his 
hand against Mulder's, who could still feel that same 
giant hand stuck around his throat. Oh brother. 

"Who -what -is he?" Scully asked as Willy took her 
in a bear hug and nearly squeezed the life out of 
her. 

"He's my brother." 

Both agents stared dumbly at the odd couple, not 
looking at each other out of fear they'd burst into 
laughter again. But Freaky Santa continued deadly 
serious. "We were twins."

Oh brother, Scully thought, taking the two of them 
in. The Anti Walton's, to coin Mulder's favorite 
phrase.

"He's a freak of nature who was raised in a circus. 
We were split up as twins. I found him again a few 
years ago and have been taking care of him in here 
since." 

"He sleeps in a freezer!" 

"Willy doesn't like it warm. I bought it especially 
for him," Freaky protested. 

"So I gather that you do know your way out of the 
forest?" Scully asked dryly.

"Not me, but Willy does. He loves to watch the cars, 
you know. He knows where your car is too, I'm sure." 

Willy nodded very enthusiastically, spitting saliva 
all over the wooden floor and onto Mulder's shoes. 
With that, both agents burst into laughter, and took 
a step back gingerly. And Willy spent the rest of the 
night staring inquisitively at the two agents now 
sleeping next to each other, upright, on the couch, 
with open mouths and snoring sounds.


In the morning they said goodbye to Freaky after 
eating warmed up eggs and bacon that tasted like 
leather shoes, and followed Willy, who took them 
quietly and without a single word through the forest 
and over the snow-covered pastures back to the main 
road, exactly to where their car was standing. Willy 
was still clad only in his boxer shorts. It made 
Mulder feel chilled to even look at him so 
underdressed. 

As they followed him, Mulder muttered, "Told you 
there was a terrible snowman."

"Iceman," you said.

"Whatever. You believe me now, right?"

"This poor guy is a freak of nature, and not so 
terrible. But other than that, I believe you," she 
spoke with a wry grin. 

"Behave, or I'll have you drive again."

Back at the car, Willy waved goodbye to the agents 
and disappeared back where he came from. To Scully's 
relief, her cell phone found a connection and she 
called for help quickly. 

"They'll be here in a few moments," she said with a 
sigh. "Are you okay, Mulder?"

"Yeah, yeah," he muttered absently, staring at the 
spot where Willy disappeared. "Scully look, he's 
back." 

She looked into the direction where Willy had taken 
off. A shadow that looked exactly like his came from 
the woods into their direction. They could not see 
him clearly until he was rather close. And then 
Scully held her breath.

"That's not Willy," she exclaimed. "That's -
something else!" 

"Get in the car!" 

Both agents crawled into the car and locked the doors 
as Scully reached for her gun and cocked it. The man 
that looked like Willy only wasn't, jumped on the 
back of the car and humped the trunk, jiggling the 
agents around inside. 

"Shoot it!" Mulder yelled, "but don't kill it!" 

"I'm trying if you stop your girlie screaming." 
Scully aimed at any part of the creature's abdomen, 
ready to shot through the glass in order to hit it. 
She couldn't tell its back from its butt. 

"Can't help it Scully. It's the third rental car 
screwed this month!"

"Wonder how that feels," Scully muttered under her 
breath, ready to shoot some kneecaps. 
But then it was gone. It hopped off the car, and 
simply vanished.

Mulder cautiously opened his car door and stepped 
outside, looking at the stampeded trunk and the huge 
footsteps that made way into the forest. 

"Oh brother." Scully stared at the tracks, then her 
partner, then the trace again. "Was that -?" 

"If it wasn't, it was probably Willy's evil twin." 

"He already had a twin." 

"Yes, he had." 

"Oh brother." 

"Yeah, sister!" Mulder reached forward and grabbed 
her in his arms, pecking her on the cheek. 

"It's raining elk, hallelujah." 




The End